Red Pumps and Human Barbies
by MacMhuirich
Summary: What's that all about? McGee and his Barbies collecting girlfriend? Episode Tags: Switch & The Penelope Papers. Written for the "Tell Us the Story" challenge.


There was a relaxed atmosphere in the bullpen with the night lights on, the odd couple of desk lamps and the few monitors.

Ziva and Tony were enjoying their little chat with Penny, their coworker's grandmother. They were learning things about him that would make him blush. Those little things their introverted friend would never even think of telling them.

Like now, as she was breaking out possibly embarrassing details from his youth.

Penny leaned over to explain in a conspiring tone: "One year, Timothy became obsessed with my red pumps, you know? He wore them everywhere. I mean, to the grocery store, to church…"

After only the briefest moment of surprised, Tony was eager to learn more. "What did the preacher have to say about that?"

Emulating the preacher's male voice, she was happy to oblige: "'Hey, kid, don't upstage me!'"

They laughed and she went on: "As he's teetering down the aisle to the front. And I… Hi, honey."

Tim, a little worn out and happy to call it a day, had chosen that particular moment to come down the stairs from the mezzanine as he was heading for his desk to shut his workstation down for the night.

"Hi! … What's so funny?"

Penny lightly touched his arm. "The red pumps… We were just really enjoying that story."

"You little cross-dresser you! Does the Pope know?"

Tim gave an inward sigh at Tony's remark. Figured he would say something like that. It was only to be expected.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, darling. You know, it's healthy to explore all sides of yourself!" Penny hastened to reassure Tim when she noticed his crestfallen face. She knew her grandson's self-consciousness and already regretted having brought the anecdote up.

"I was five!" Tim protested.

"Yeah, that's what's sort of brilliant about it," she replied, trying to assuage her earlier embarrassing comments.

She went on explaining it was perfectly normal for a young boy to explore this avenue because toddlers just like to experiment.

Tim just shook his head and turned towards his desk. It was best to ignore this, even if he already knew for a fact that Tony would remember and never going to let him live it down.

Tim was relieved when Ducky made his entrance in the squad room for...was that really a date? Penny and Ducky? No, really?

After Ducky and his grandmother had left, he was only peripherally aware of the others and went on stuffing his things in his backpack. He quickly ran for the elevator, but apparently not fast enough.

"You and red pumps? Really, Probie! Well, well, well. Wonder what other little tit-bits about little Timmy Penny may tell us."

Tim gave an aggravated sigh and rolled his eyes. He deliberately looked the other side as Tony hopped on board the elevator with him.

And, just as Tim had thought, the older man would bring up previous conversations.

"Which reminds me of your Barbie doll girlfriend.

*_**Flashback**_*

"_If it's any consolation, Probie, I had my identity stolen once." __  
_

"_Really?"_

_"__I had a charge on my VISA for a vintage Barbie doll. Career Girl outfit." __  
_

"_Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?" Tim replied a little too eagerly. "Oh, I had a girlfriend who collected once. We used to line them up on the…."_

_"__I lost respect for you at the word pumps." _

*_**End flashback**_*

"Tony..."

"You know, Tim? You have a weird taste when it comes to picking your girlfriends."

"...stop it..."

Tim had already realized there was no stopping his friend.

"You and your girlfriend dressing up those Barbies. Playing dress up sure must've been a fun activity for the two of you." Tony laughed at the image.

"It was, but Tony, we..."

"And wasn't your girlfriend like a real life, human barbie, too? I'm sure she was."

"She..."

But Tony relentlessly went on fantasizing and teasing the younger agent.

"Admit it, Probie: Barbie has everything a real man can wish for his sexy and most perfect woman. She's got a slender waist, is voluptuous in other places and has long blond hair." His hands demonstrated the female curves in an exaggerated, almost vulgar way.

Tim closed his eyes for a second before replying.

"Tony… No, Barbie-type girls are not exactly my image of the perfect woman. Heck! Are looks really that important? I mean...does it really matter? And besides, we were..."

But Tony didn't even listen.

"So, tell me, Timmy: what dirty little games did you both play?"

"What?"

The elevator had reached ground level and they both stepped out, the junior agent with an aggravated frown on his face.

"No! Tony! It was totally harmless and innocent. We merely played with Barbies; trying them on latest fashion clothing, doing their hair and lining them up. She had furniture and several dollhouses. Anyway, she was a gorgeous girl...for not being a cheerleader...and pretty cool...when she wasn't engrossed in her dolls..."

"Sounds like she was a classy girlfriend, McGee."

"We were 15, Tony, and she was the next door neighbor's daughter."

"Wow! Your first girlfriend and aspiring Barbie doll ? You ready to tell me how many more hearts you've broken? What happened to you? McHeartache ran out of luck with the dating?"

"No. We broke up...after I accidentally decapitated her Army Barbie, one of the many Barbies she owned. She was into a serious collection. And as to my dating, I fail to see how it's any of your business."

Tony shook his head an chuckled and then laughed outright, eliciting a frown from Tim.

"Okay, what is it now?"

"Wished I was a fly on the wall just to see you and your girlfriend lining up those Barbie dolls."

Tim sighed as he thought back on the time he'd spent with Tessa.

"It's just...girls. You know? The things you had to do to keep them happy. And, trust me Tony, she was obsessed with those Barbies. To be honest, I was half relieved when we broke up. Man! That girl turned out to be the hole in my pocket! Yeah. She was pretty cool but so expensive. The number of occasions she took me shopping. She even tried to work a complete makeover on me! Me, Tony! Me! It's not because she was aiming for a 5'6" length with a 38" bust, 18" waist, and 33" hips herself, that I had to be turned into a male real life doll, myself! There's a big difference between fantasy and reality, between dolls and real life people. "

He threw his hands in the air. "Man! She wanted to change everything! My hair, my wardrobe, my style, the way I walked and talked... Hell! My personality! Felt like she was turning me into a freaking Ken! Wanted me to get some 'glam'. Was she that embarrassed to be seen alongside me wherever we went together? Am I really that bland?"

He stopped, breathing heavily. His face had assumed a deep crimson by the time he was done with his rant.

Tony could see his friend had gotten really worked up over this and he now felt a little sorry about having pushed the subject. He sure didn't like where this was leading and the way the former insecurities were about to overwhelm his friend once more.

He'd always been ready enough to pull his team mate a leg. When Tim had been a mere probie on the team, and soooo incredibly green behind the ears and sooo unbelievably naive, he'd told himself it was to toughen the young man up. Later, when he was given back what he'd passed on to McGee, he'd believed it was just innocent banter between friends.

Tony had seen his inexperienced probie transform into a real man.

He stopped Tim with his hand on the younger man's elbow, forcing Tim to face him.

"Tim."

He tightened his grip on Tim's elbow when his friend tried to brush him off.

"Hey! You are _you_, Tim. You didn't give in to her every whim, did you? Apart from the playing with those Barbie dolls, that is. It's you yourself who decided when to change anything...and at any time _you_ wished. It wasn't up to that girlfriend of yours to dictate your actions or transform you to meet her ideal of a man. It wouldn't be you, Tim."

Tim merely grunted, expecting a joke to come.

Tony seemed to read his mind.

"I'm serious, McGee."

"Yeah, right..."

"You're...ah...a good looking man, Tim."

A snort.

"I mean it. And, man!, you have changed...a lot. But the important thing is that it was you! You were in charge. You still are."

"And single... Much good it did..."

"Oh cut the whining, McGee. You know something? One day, you'll find your soul mate. What's more, you stand a better chance than I do. Heck! What woman would take me seriously. All they see and get is a playful, fun, teasing...Casanova...lady killer...stud...whatever. I'm good looking...I believe...but the ladies seeking a serious relationship with me know they can't expect that from me. No little Tony's to play with..."

"Your babies are gonna be really beautiful," Tim said, a small smile lighting up his face.

"And yours have a shot at being smart!" Tony laughed, relieved to see his friend's mood somewhat restored.

"_Trust McGee,_" Tony thought, "_to remember that time when they and Ziva had been forced to shower in the hazmat truck and then, dressed in white jump suits, were made to wait impatiently for news on how bad they'd been nuked by the Cobalt 60."_

Shaking the image, Tony asked a question that had been on his mind since Tim started explaining his relationship with the human Barbie.

"Tell me. What happened to the girl? Did she become a model? Or what?"

Tim's face turned sad at the memories.

"She...got obsessed with having an ideal female body and took to some extreme dieting. She fell victim to anorexia nervosa and eventually died of stomach necrosis. Barbie doll had become a role model for her...and to what cost... She wanted to be like Barbie: have a perfect body, a perfect life and a perfect boyfriend.

Okayyyy... Time to change tactics and Tony clapped his coworker on the shoulder.

"You've learned from your former relationships, brief though they may have been. Girlfriends can be...demanding. They aren't always easy to please. Do you really think you're alone in this? Nope. We've all been there, trust me."

"Thanks, Tony," Tim breathed with feeling.

"You're welcome, Tim," Tony replied with a grin.

They continued their way towards their respective cars. It had been a long day.

As they got to Tim's car first, Tony halted the younger man once again.

"One more piece of advice, Tim."

Tim, his key already stuck in the lock, turned quizzical eyes towards the Senior Agent. "What's that?"

"Stick to your guns, my friend. There's no rush. You'll get your chance. Really. But just be yourself."

Tim looked to the ground, not knowing what to say to that.

"After all," Tony grinned, "you don't need those vamping Barbie girls, Tim. You're too good and too clever. One day you'll meet some gorgeous brainy girl and have both beautiful and smart kids. And...does it matter if your little boy tries on mom's high heels and mini skirt? Penny is right: let the kids experiment, it's part of their learning."

Tim finally looked up, his eyes finding Tony's in the light of the street lamps.

Tony winked and turned to walk on towards his car.

**FIN**

- -.-. -. . .


End file.
